the sky is everywhere by Jandy Nelson
"Nice," I whisper in her ear as she hugs me like a bear even though she's built like a bird. "Way to bowl down the gorgeous new boy." She cracks up, and it feels both amazing and disconcerting to have someone in my arms shaking from laughter rather than heartbreak.
******
the Sam Shepherd play
Fool For Love
where her bookmark will never move forward.
I've read it for her twice now,
always putting the bookmark back
where it was when I finish--
it kills me
she will never find out
what happens
in the end.
******
"Your mom was born like this, practically flew out of the womb and into the world. From day one, she was running, running, running."
"Running away?"
"Nope, sweet pea, never away, know that." She squeezed my hand. "She was always running toward."
******
But what if I'm a shell-less turtle now, demented and devastated in equal measure, an unfreakingbelievable mess of a girl, who wants to turn the air into colors with her clarinet, and what if somewhere inside I prefer this? What if as much as I fear having death as a shadow, I'm beginning to like how it quickens the pulse, not only mine, but the pulse of the whole world. I doubt Joe would even have noticed me if I'd still be in that hard shell of mild happiness. He wrote in his journal that he thinks I'm on full blast, me, and maybe I am now, but I never was before. How can the cost of this change in me be so great? It doesn't seem right that anything good should come out of Bailey's death. It doesn't seem right o even have these thoughts.
******
Bailey loved both Toby and me so much--he and I almost make up her whole heart, and maybe that's it, what we were trying to do by being together, maybe we were trying to put her heart back together again.
******
Life's a freaking mess. In fact, I'm going to tell Sarah we need to start a new philosophical movement: messessentialism instead of existentialism: For those who revel in the essential mess that is life. Because Gram's right, there's not one truth ever, just a whole bunch of stories, all going on at once, in our heads, in our hearts, all getting in the way of each other. It's all a beautiful calamitous mess.
******
Grief is forever. It doesn't go away; it becomes part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. That's just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don't get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.
******
Something occurs to me then. "Toby," I say, tentatively, mustering my nerve. "You must be pretty used to ring an only child..." My voice starts to shake. "But I'm really new at it." I look out the window. "Maybe we..." I feel too shy all of a sudden to finish my thought, but he knows what I'm getting at.
******
Grief is forever. It doesn't go away; it becomes part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. That's just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don't get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.
******
Something occurs to me then. "Toby," I say, tentatively, mustering my nerve. "You must be pretty used to ring an only child..." My voice starts to shake. "But I'm really new at it." I look out the window. "Maybe we..." I feel too shy all of a sudden to finish my thought, but he knows what I'm getting at.
"I've always wanted a sister," he says as he swerves into a spot in the tiny parking lot.
******
You can chop the Victorian novel to shreds with garden shears but you can't take it out of the girl.
******
I try to fend off the oceanic sadness, but I can't. It's such a colossal effort not to be haunted by what's lost, but to be enchanted by what was.
I miss you, I tell her, I can't stand that you're going to miss so much.
I don't know how the heart withstands it.
I really like this feature and it makes more curious about the book. :D
ReplyDelete